Friday, September 23, 2011

Week 3: I'm Too Sexy for my Shirt

Scripture to reflect upon for Singles Saturday: John 5:39-40 (The Message)
“You have your heads in your Bibles constantly because you think you’ll find eternal life there. But you miss the forest for the trees. These scriptures are all about me! And here I am, standing right before you, and you aren’t willing to receive from me the life you say you want.”

God took me directly to this scripture today for a reason. What are you missing? What is it that you overlook in hopes of finding the right person? Well, sometimes you overlook the very thing you are searching for: love. You may be asking yourself how that’s possible, but I can honestly tell you that some of your old patterns include the type of people you choose and don’t choose. (Men, I’ll be relaying my experiences from a woman’s point of view, but you may be doing this same thing with women.)

We have bought into the lie the world tells us that good guys are boring. (Hey, I’ll take boring over abuse—ANY DAY!) Bad boys are really bad boys who will treat you badly. There’s nothing alluring about that. There’s nothing attractive or sexy about it. Unless you need and desire drama and chaos, bad guys will bring you nothing but heartache and trouble you never asked for.

Bad boys are usually the hot, gorgeous guys standing across the room oozing sex appeal. These guys usually have one thing in mind, and it’s far from a relationship. These hot sexy guys know they are good looking and can get anything they want from women and take full advantage of it. These are the guys who will tell you, “I’m not looking for anything serious,” but you think you can change their mind. They are the kind of guys who tell you they love you, but end up leaving you when the next best thing comes along. They are always looking for the next pretty face, because they are the ones who get bored easily. They may not be boring—far from it, because drama, the chase, the hunt, the lust is always seemingly exciting—but they get bored quickly! They think too highly of themselves to settle down. They think they deserve better than you because they are just way too good looking to just choose one girl, so they create immense chaos in a lot of women’s lives with games and mixed signals.

I recently told you that I was tossed about how I felt about Jared. He lacked that certain something I had always looked for in a guy…oh yeah! he wasn’t a bad boy. He was a nice, polite, considerate, sensitive guy. Everything I always overlooked in men. He was the type of guy I always turned into a “friend.” You know the one, “He’s so nice and he treats me so good, but I just don’t feel that way about him.” The problem with this scenario is that you just don’t feel that way about you! You just don’t want to be tied down to someone who’s nice and comfortable. You prefer the battle, the chase and the chaos. But why?

Let me tell you the absolute truth: the good guys—the ones that the world convinces you are boring—are willing to offer you the very things you’re looking for! The good guys are the ones who will go out of their way to treat you like a lady. These guys will adore you and love you honestly, completely and faithfully! They will not stray, because it’s in their DNA. Listen, you keep saying there aren’t any good guys out there, well I’m telling you that’s a lie. But you keep buying into it. All your friends keep saying it, and you, yourself, just can’t stop telling the world that there are no good guys out there. Hogwash!! He’s probably standing right in front of you and you don’t even know it. You are too busy looking for something in someone who will never be willing or able to give you what you want, and this poor guy who is sweet, romantic and sensitive is wondering why in the world you even consider the losers you seem to date. He sees the worth in you that you don’t even see in yourself. That’s how genuine he is!

I nearly canceled my first date with Jared. I just didn’t “feel” it, and all my friends kept saying, “He’s kind of odd, isn’t he?” And of course when our friends start filling our head with things like that, we almost immediately want nothing to do with someone based solely on their opinion. Because we had also developed a friendship, I had a hard time imagining being with him romantically. Of course they thought he was odd…he wasn’t like other guys. He was a gentleman, and in this day and age, that’s considered “odd.”

I’m glad I didn’t cancel that date. I’m glad I went into it with no expectations. I’m glad once I got there I allowed myself to enjoy his company and was open to all the lovely romantic gestures (opening the door, letting me walk in before him, buying me dinner, giving me cab money to get home). He truly put together quite a first date that wasn’t incredibly impressive in terms of what we did, but he showed me that he had been listening to me for months. My likes and dislikes.  He thought of everything, because he was thoughtful. Does that make him boring or odd? Why does the world want to convince us of that, and why do we believe it?

I soon discovered that Jared was hysterically funny, and I loved that I could just be myself around him without worrying that I’d scare him off. See, hot sexy guys aren’t into being silly, that’s beneath them, so we tend to not let our own hair down around those guys for fear they will find us ridiculous instead of adorable. But when the nice guy comes around, he’s probably already seen you for who you are and admires all those silly things most bad boys would be turned off by. In fact, it’s probably those very traits that most men left you for that the good guys are drawn to and will cherish about you forever.

Dating Jared, I also realized some things about me, too. Finding the love I’ve always wanted made me realize that I enjoyed the drama-free life. I didn’t need the chase in order to feel worthy. I didn’t have to fight for Jared’s attention. I didn’t feel the need to have drama in my life in order to believe my life was exciting. I discovered that I didn’t need to raise my voice in order to be heard. I found out that my flaws are enduring, and a life without arguing was comfortable and relaxing. I never walked on eggshells with Jared. He never gave me any reason to believe I had to.

ACTION PLAN: You need to change your perception about good guys. It’s time to stop believing the lie that good guys are not your “type.” If you are looking for an honest, secure, loving relationship, you HAVE to consider a good guy. He may not look the way you expect, or behave the way you want him to behave. He may not even carry himself like those hot sexy guys do…but there’s a reason for that: he’s not cocky or arrogant, he’s honest and sincere. Get over your expectations of what your perfect person is supposed to look like or act like, and allow yourself to be open to new types.

Be open to the “odd” guys, don’t stick yourself in a box, and don’t listen to your naysayer friends, because just like my friends with Jared, they were regretful they never looked his way. Those very naysayers eventually used our relationship as a guiding point for what they hoped to find in a man. And maybe you haven’t seen my husband, but he’s pretty hot and sexy! But when we first met, he didn’t look like that. He was a bit shy and dorky, I won’t lie. But a good woman can make a shy, dorky man into an incredible hunk overnight! When we started dating, he became so confident and happy that he carried himself that way, and suddenly all the girls at work were going ga-ga over him. But you know what? He didn’t let that get to his head, because he remained true to the core of who he is.

GO FURTHER: Have you overlooked a good person because you just didn’t “feel” it? Why not give that person a chance. Get over all of the obstacles in your mind. Get over how they “look” and stop being shallow about those types of “qualities”. Imagine had I done that with Jared! I wouldn’t know this kind of happiness and love, and I wouldn’t have our son, and this amazing, wonderful life. Quality is on the inside, not on the outside.

FACT: Bad boys, or hot sexy guys, will only bring you heartache and trouble. Good guys are far from boring. They are the key to your happiness.

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